Why LGBT Pride event is important to me

This week I was one of the keynote speakers at the LGBT Pride event at my agency.  This was the first time our agency held such an event so it was a big deal for us.  Here are my remarks. 

A year ago at USACE Org Day I opened my phone and my Facebook feed had exploded with news of the Supreme Court decision on marriage equality.  It was a joyous day.  The LGBT community and our straight allies celebrated.  People gathered spontaneously in cities across the US. Buildings were lit with rainbow colors.

That evening I boarded a plane for St. Petersburg, Florida and the next day I marched with members of the Tampa Bay Pride Band at St. Petersburg Pride.  The community was elated.  The band played Bruno Mars’ Uptown Funk and the classic Chapel of Love.  The older folks in the crowd sang along, “Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married…”  It was amazing!

Just over two weeks ago I woke up and my phone exploded with the news of the attacks on the Pulse night club in Orlando and the murder of 49 LGBT and straight people – all of them younger than me – most of them were Latinos.

It made me realize why this Pride Celebration today was important and needed.

There are lots of people who think they don’t know anyone who is a Lesbian or Gay or Bisexual or Transgender.  Trust me – you do.

Sometimes I delude myself to think that people don’t know that I’m gay.  The reality is that most people don’t think about it.  That’s cool.  I get it.  I don’t tend to think about other people’s orientations either.  It isn’t a part of how we relate to others in our day-to-day business.

Where it does enter in is when we relate to each other as people.  On any Monday morning we ask others about their weekend.  Someone might say, 

“It was fun.  My wife and I took the kids to the beach."

Or, “My husband and I went out to dinner.”

But through a lifetime of being careful about what I say, I don’t usually say,

“Not much.  My husband and I did some work around the house.”

A few months ago a colleague asked me if I was married.  I instinctively lied and said no.  I denied my partner of almost 20 years who I married 2 ½ years ago because I was afraid to be honest.  I didn’t want to face the possible rejection.

That’s my fault.  It’s how I was raised.

I remember the first time I ever heard about homosexuality.  I was in 7^th grade and my family was watching a television program together.  That’s something that families did in the 60’s and 70’s.

The story involved a student who other students thought was gay.  At one point they put the word FAG on his locker.  I asked my mother what that meant and she said,

“It’s a term for a sick individual who likes people of the same sex.”

I was only beginning to be aware of my orientation and that wasn’t helpful.

A year or two passed and I started to understand more about myself and I even told a couple of friends.  Then the movie Deliverance came out – complete with a violent, homosexual rape scene.  I was horrified – if that’s what this means then I don’t want any part of it!

But I found a guidance counselor and few more friends and I learned to accept myself, but I still hid this from my family.

In college I had a number of Gay, Lesbian, Straight and Bi friends who knew that I was gay.  I never dated much.  For years I wanted to be a Catholic priest and while I pursued that I didn’t think that dating anyone would be a good idea.

After several years of applying to study for the priesthood and repeated rejections, a friend helped me let go of that dream.  Shortly after that I met George the man who is now my husband.  We dated; he met my family and met his.  We bought a house together, made it a home and built a life together.  But I still wasn’t out to my parents.

Does that surprise you?  Parents are remarkably adept at believing what they want to believe.  And they don’t tend to think of their children as sexual beings even when they get married and start raising families.

In 2000 I joined DC’s Different Drummers, the LGBT community band here in DC.  I play the trombone and I was looking for something musical and I joined the band. Suddenly I had lots of LGBT friends in my life.  And my life was good.  We had a home here in DC and neighbors who are mostly straight allies or other LGBT couples and families.  I traveled with members of LGBT bands from other cities and I made friends with several Transgender people.

It was actually from talking to a Trans man and hearing his story that I finally found the courage to come out to my parents.

So, at the tender age of 45 – I shared a secret that I had kept for over 30 years.  Fortunately my parents were accepting.  Actually, my mother has selective deafness.  The big moment came and I told them I was gay and my mother looked up and said, “What did you say?"

I thought, “Oh great!  Now I have to say it again!”  And I said it again and she said, “You know that doesn’t make any difference to us.”

I replied, “I’m glad!  Not all parents are accepting.”

A weight was lifted from me.  For the rest of their lives I wouldn’t need to hide anything or guard my conversation lest something slip.  It takes a lot of energy to keep a secret – energy that can be better used in living our lives and doing our work.

Now we get to today.  Today’s event is important because all of us are good people.

I don’t always notice the racism, bigotry and sexism that persists – until I do see it and I’m reminded of what others face on a daily basis.  I’m not claiming that I face that kind of discrimination personally, but many LGBT people do.  And LGBT people of color face it even more so.

It is important that we celebrate the contribution of LGBT people like Frank Kameny, TS Leonard Matlovich, Langston Hughes, HarveyMilk, Bayard Rustin, Congressman Barney Frank and Senator Tammy Baldwin, or Edie Windsor and Thea Spyer, or James Obergefell and John Arthur, or BG TammySmith.

It is important that we do this because we all know LGBT people.  It doesn’t have to be a big deal – but we need to not be invisible.   

We all know some LGBT people.  We are your brothers and sisters, your daughters and sons, perhaps a parent or an uncle or aunt.   We are your colleagues, your fellow soldiers, your co-workers, your neighbors and your friends.

Getting emotional

2009 started quietly enough. Okay - I was at a party and eating and drinking too much - but once I got sick I felt much, much better.

For the past two years I served as President of DC's Different Drummers and enjoyed that and felt I did a pretty good job. But I had no interest in being President-for-life and I chose not to run for a third term. Not a big problem the folks who would be taking over are capable and talented and they'll do things differently than I did.

What surprised me was the sense of loss I felt when I went to rehearsal the next night and knew that things were different. I was a band member and nothing more. I'll get over it I thought (and I will). At the end of the week an email went out to all band members and I realized that I had no input toward the content. Maybe this is why several of our past presidents have moved out of town.

But I don't want to do that - well, I don't want to move period. But I don't want to withdraw from my friends in the band. First I'd miss them and second they'd get along without me and that would be another hurt.

Fortunately there was much ado about the Obama Inauguration and participation in the parade by the Lesbian and Gay Band Association. So that kept me busy. Once that was over and my company left and I got caught up on rest and chores the sense of loss returned.

As my partner says - I need to get over it. But it is different.

Adding to that we have a couple of pieces in the Spring concert that are only being played by a subset of the band. I understand the reasons, but I also feel as though I am missing out on a musical challenge. In the past we have hacked, slogged and rehearsed our way through some difficult pieces. Sure we grumbled (I am a trombone player!) but we buckled down and worked on the music. As we got to performance if I couldn't play a phrase, I didn't. But each time I stretched as a musician and got better. Now I'm missing that opportunity.

So I'll make the best of it and all will be well soon.

This post isn't about getting others to feel sorry for me. Just sharing what I'm feeling in case anyone notices that I'm not my usual cheerful self.

more to say about marching in the parade.

In my last post I mentioned something that our Artistic Director said about military folks wishing us well. Here is his full account:

As you may recall, I got a little choked up trying to tell a story on
Tuesday morning, so here it is again for those who could not hear. When Kim and I were finished with our mandatory meeting on Monday evening, we were approached by a series of uniformed military personnel who wanted to shake our hands and wish us luck.

At first, I attributed this all to good relationship management
but it seemed that we were being approached by more folks than was strictly necessary for that, and I began to realize what these people were really saying to us.

And then, as we went to leave, one more young man chased us down the hallway so that he wouldn't miss his chance to shake our hands and wish us well.

There was an intensity to his well wishes that moved me past simple realization to a much deeper understanding of what our performance was going to mean for people who cannot live their lives as openly as I do in my protective bubble of San Francisco.

Marching in the Big Parade

Greetings all,

It was such a big deal for the Lesbian and Gay Band Association (LGBA) Band to be part of the Inaugural parade yesterday. Most of the long day yesterday was spent sitting on buses, but we did get to march. Many things to share about it but here's the basics.

Two of the leaders of the group attended a tedious meeting on Monday afternoon to review parade procedures with the military folks who run the parade. After the meeting a number of the military folks came up to the two LGBA folks and thanked them (us) for being part of the parade. Our director said that he could tell they wanted to say more - but could not.

We pulled up to the Pentagon in four buses with a small, but visible sign (like every other bus), but ours read - Lesbian and Gay Band Association. We were the gay band and all the military folks around there knew it.

When we lined up at the Ellipse prior to stepping off and making our way up to start of the parade we warmed up and played our tunes, like every other band. Our leaders had chosen two Sousa marches, Beethoven's Ode to Joy, Brand New Day from The Wiz, and Hold on I'm Comin' But it was the high school band from New Hampshire that was playing Strike Up the Band and Over the Rainbow.

Several times along a mostly empty parade route the announcers echoed our name - "Marking their first appearance in an Inaugural parade, the Lesbian and Gay Band Association - a network of Gay and Lesbian concert and marching bands from across the country. The military folks who lined the parade route saluted the American flag we carried as well as the Pride flag that marched along side it.

When we got to the White House the drum majors gave three whistles, the drums rolled off and we played The Washington Post March by Sousa. President and Mrs. Obama were standing in the well-lit booth along with Vice President and Mrs. Biden. Because of the lighting they looked huge inside the reviewing stand. They clapped along with the music and smiled and waved.

We finished our song and kept going to get to our buses. There were many people along Pennsylvania Avenue that had waited to watch and hear, so we played for them and they cheered us on.

When we finally got back to our buses and put instruments away we started checking our phones. Almost everyone had phone calls and text messages from friends and family. We were seen all over the country on CSPAN, MSNBC, Fox, CNN and others.

While it was a personally moving moment - believe me - we marched for everyone of our Lesbian and Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer and Questioning brothers and sisters. And we had some of our straight friends marching with us too! Our ages ranged from 20 years old to 76 years old, we marched black, white, latina/o, asian of all varieties. It was a humble moment to represent all of us and to be seen and heard.

Here's a link to what was on C-Span - http://www.tippytopple.com/LGBA_Inauguration.mp4

Peace to all!