Why LGBT Pride event is important to me

This week I was one of the keynote speakers at the LGBT Pride event at my agency.  This was the first time our agency held such an event so it was a big deal for us.  Here are my remarks. 

A year ago at USACE Org Day I opened my phone and my Facebook feed had exploded with news of the Supreme Court decision on marriage equality.  It was a joyous day.  The LGBT community and our straight allies celebrated.  People gathered spontaneously in cities across the US. Buildings were lit with rainbow colors.

That evening I boarded a plane for St. Petersburg, Florida and the next day I marched with members of the Tampa Bay Pride Band at St. Petersburg Pride.  The community was elated.  The band played Bruno Mars’ Uptown Funk and the classic Chapel of Love.  The older folks in the crowd sang along, “Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married…”  It was amazing!

Just over two weeks ago I woke up and my phone exploded with the news of the attacks on the Pulse night club in Orlando and the murder of 49 LGBT and straight people – all of them younger than me – most of them were Latinos.

It made me realize why this Pride Celebration today was important and needed.

There are lots of people who think they don’t know anyone who is a Lesbian or Gay or Bisexual or Transgender.  Trust me – you do.

Sometimes I delude myself to think that people don’t know that I’m gay.  The reality is that most people don’t think about it.  That’s cool.  I get it.  I don’t tend to think about other people’s orientations either.  It isn’t a part of how we relate to others in our day-to-day business.

Where it does enter in is when we relate to each other as people.  On any Monday morning we ask others about their weekend.  Someone might say, 

“It was fun.  My wife and I took the kids to the beach."

Or, “My husband and I went out to dinner.”

But through a lifetime of being careful about what I say, I don’t usually say,

“Not much.  My husband and I did some work around the house.”

A few months ago a colleague asked me if I was married.  I instinctively lied and said no.  I denied my partner of almost 20 years who I married 2 ½ years ago because I was afraid to be honest.  I didn’t want to face the possible rejection.

That’s my fault.  It’s how I was raised.

I remember the first time I ever heard about homosexuality.  I was in 7^th grade and my family was watching a television program together.  That’s something that families did in the 60’s and 70’s.

The story involved a student who other students thought was gay.  At one point they put the word FAG on his locker.  I asked my mother what that meant and she said,

“It’s a term for a sick individual who likes people of the same sex.”

I was only beginning to be aware of my orientation and that wasn’t helpful.

A year or two passed and I started to understand more about myself and I even told a couple of friends.  Then the movie Deliverance came out – complete with a violent, homosexual rape scene.  I was horrified – if that’s what this means then I don’t want any part of it!

But I found a guidance counselor and few more friends and I learned to accept myself, but I still hid this from my family.

In college I had a number of Gay, Lesbian, Straight and Bi friends who knew that I was gay.  I never dated much.  For years I wanted to be a Catholic priest and while I pursued that I didn’t think that dating anyone would be a good idea.

After several years of applying to study for the priesthood and repeated rejections, a friend helped me let go of that dream.  Shortly after that I met George the man who is now my husband.  We dated; he met my family and met his.  We bought a house together, made it a home and built a life together.  But I still wasn’t out to my parents.

Does that surprise you?  Parents are remarkably adept at believing what they want to believe.  And they don’t tend to think of their children as sexual beings even when they get married and start raising families.

In 2000 I joined DC’s Different Drummers, the LGBT community band here in DC.  I play the trombone and I was looking for something musical and I joined the band. Suddenly I had lots of LGBT friends in my life.  And my life was good.  We had a home here in DC and neighbors who are mostly straight allies or other LGBT couples and families.  I traveled with members of LGBT bands from other cities and I made friends with several Transgender people.

It was actually from talking to a Trans man and hearing his story that I finally found the courage to come out to my parents.

So, at the tender age of 45 – I shared a secret that I had kept for over 30 years.  Fortunately my parents were accepting.  Actually, my mother has selective deafness.  The big moment came and I told them I was gay and my mother looked up and said, “What did you say?"

I thought, “Oh great!  Now I have to say it again!”  And I said it again and she said, “You know that doesn’t make any difference to us.”

I replied, “I’m glad!  Not all parents are accepting.”

A weight was lifted from me.  For the rest of their lives I wouldn’t need to hide anything or guard my conversation lest something slip.  It takes a lot of energy to keep a secret – energy that can be better used in living our lives and doing our work.

Now we get to today.  Today’s event is important because all of us are good people.

I don’t always notice the racism, bigotry and sexism that persists – until I do see it and I’m reminded of what others face on a daily basis.  I’m not claiming that I face that kind of discrimination personally, but many LGBT people do.  And LGBT people of color face it even more so.

It is important that we celebrate the contribution of LGBT people like Frank Kameny, TS Leonard Matlovich, Langston Hughes, HarveyMilk, Bayard Rustin, Congressman Barney Frank and Senator Tammy Baldwin, or Edie Windsor and Thea Spyer, or James Obergefell and John Arthur, or BG TammySmith.

It is important that we do this because we all know LGBT people.  It doesn’t have to be a big deal – but we need to not be invisible.   

We all know some LGBT people.  We are your brothers and sisters, your daughters and sons, perhaps a parent or an uncle or aunt.   We are your colleagues, your fellow soldiers, your co-workers, your neighbors and your friends.